Ending The World and Other Extreme Sports
by scarlet phlame
Summary: "Can I just end the world once? Just one time? Then I promise I'll leave you all alone! I won't even bother you again!" (Crackfic)
1. Blowing Stuff Up

_**So this is like an unofficial aside to **__**Sarah Jane's Children**__** and if you haven't read it, chances are you won't really get what's going on here.**_

_**I'm trying to focus on the dynamics between Madeline and Nikki in this one- Madeline will be back, and that's a guarantee.**_

_**R&R!**_

* * *

"I remember when I used to be a little kid, that I always told my older sister that someday, when I grew up, I was going to be her older sister. Except, it didn't work out very well, because she's kind of dead now. And that was about when I figured out I couldn't really ever be her older sister. Which sucked. A lot."

"You done giving me your life story?"

"Nope!"

"...You're really stupid, you know that?"

"I'm stupid? Really? Wow, we must be related!"

"Just shut up. You're going to be dead in a few minutes."

"Well, I would say that someone will be dead in a few minutes... although that person isn't necessarily me. I kind of flipped a lot of switches so that the reversal chronon loop will backfire and kind of blow your face up. Sorry!"

"Why, you little-"

"Nope! Can't stay! Gotta go for lunch! Sorry!"

Okay, pause, and rewind. That's me. No, no, that's the evil villain I'm epicly blowing up in that moment. I'm the smart one. No, no, that's a chair. Oh, you know what? Forget it. I'm the short-haired brunette that's running towards the exit. Yeah, that's me. Got a problem? Go read another book.

I'm kind of waiting for him to yell something along the lines of 'you'll pay for this, Nikki'! Except the line doesn't come. Good. I don't want it to. Because, let's face it, that name sucks. Nikki. I mean, who names their kid Nikki? You'd have to be someone really stupid, like my parents, to do that.

...Anyway, back to the me-running-away-from-explosion scene.

"Oh, boy," I mumble, feeling around in my pocket for a key. Ooh, drat. I kind of threw it at Mr. Bad Guy's head when he was chasing after me, screaming about typical meddling kids, like every single cliched villain you've ever met. Typical!

Well, I could always blow up the door. Except I haven't got any explosives. Which sucks a little, but it doesn't really bother me, because I'd rather get blown up epicly, than die from a bucket of vinegar being thrown on my head. That's just really, really stupid. Really.

Mr. Bad Guy isn't chasing after me. Which is kind of good. Because I've got my hands full. Not literally, I mean, just sort of half-full. And by that, I mean empty. With no key. Or explosives. Not even a chocolate bar.

Which also sucks, a bit.

"Oh, for crying out loud!" I shout, kicking the door in hopes it might open. "Ow! That hurt!" okay, maybe not. Time for a plan B.

"HEEELP!" I wail. "SOMEONE OPEN THIS STUPID DOOR! I REALLY HATE THIS DOOR! IF ANYONE'S OUT THERE, HELP! BECAUSE IF I DIE, I WILL KILL YOU FOR KILLING ME!"

No answer.

Okay. No key. Can't kick door open. Nobody outside. Warehouse about to explode in five seconds?

I could always diffuse the bomb.

No! No way! That's just stupid. Then nobody will die.

Back to plan B.

"SOMEONE LET ME OUTTA HERE, OR ELSE I'LL CALL THE COPS ON YOU!" I shriek. "AND THEN... YOU'LL GO TO JUICY! OR JAVY! OR JUVY! OR WHATEVER THE HECK IT'S CALLED!"

What? Don't look at me like that. I'm not human!

Oh, you're giving me The Look now. Can you stop it with The Look? I'm not a bloody Mary Sue! Well, not really, anyway.

Back to exploding warehouse and plan B.

"LEMME OUTTA HERE!"

Well, it might help if I used that lockpick device I had in my pocket. Except that's new, and I bet I'll ruin it if I use it now.

Oh, to hell with it. I'll use the lockpick.

Oops. I don't have it. Now what?

"Please, please, pleaase let some awesomely hot rugged prince come save me now," I beg to the ceiling.

Nothing.

I run back to the door and hit it again.

And it falls over.

I kind of stare at it, thinking. And only one thought surfaces.

What the hell have I been eating this past week?! Kryptonite? Rocks? Metal?

Or... Madeline?

"What the heck are you doing here?!" I shriek.

"I work here," Madeline says, making a face.

"It's about to blow up," I tell her.

"Okay, so I worked here. Past tense," she said, grimacing. "Seriously?"

"Yeah," I say.

"Okay, then, so we better get out of here," she mumbles.

We take off.

We're about a block away when it blows up. And when I say blows up, I mean blows up. Not implodes, like my last boyfriend. That was just really boring.

Oh, what? Oh, no. My last boyfriend was my cell phone. Yeah, I'm kind of a loner. But I've got a girlfriend now! Her name is Skullcandy. And she's a really good headphone set.

...Anyway, back on topic.

"You can't go five days without blowing something up, can you?" Madeline mumbles.

"Uh... nope!" I say, cheerful.

"That's the fourth building this month," Madeline says. "What was it, this time?"

"More like who was it," I grimace. "Some kind of robot. Bad guy robot."

"Aren't you the villain? Shouldn't you be trying to kill the good guys or something?" Madeline asks.

"Hang on," I say. "I gotta go tell the readers who you are."

Madeline. So she's kind of like my hired assistant. She's totally human. And kind of under the impression I'm human too. Which is a bit odd. Not that I'm an alien, I mean. Just that she hasn't figured it out, yet.

That, and the fact that she's like, thirty. Or forty. I don't know. I haven't exactly been counting.

"I would kill the good guys," I tell Madeline, finally. "Except I kind of like the good guys. And I keep saving them on accident. So I don't really want to kill them."

She sighs. "Really?"

"Really," I say. "But... what are you doing here?"

She gives me a look. "There's sort of a UNIT base I work for. And it's hidden down there."

"You work for UNIT?!" I yell.

"Shh!" she says. "Someone'll hear!"

"You work for UNIT?!" I whisper.

"Yeah," she says. "I do."

"Do you guys have, like, really cool technology? Or maybe alien stuff? Like a teleport? Or a glove? Or a cat that farts out rainbows?"

"Isn't that Nyan Cat...?" Madeline wonders.

"Yep," I say, popping the p. And the p is not popcorn. Sorry, hungry readers. I just meant the syllable p.

"I just kind of started," Madeline says. "Well, not really. It's sort of a fake job. I've been stealing alien supplies from them."

"Really? Can I have some?" I ask.

"No," Madeline says, frowning.

"How come?" I ask.

"Because I haven't stolen any," Madeline says.

"Then steal some," I suggest.

Madeline raises an eyebrow. "You just blew them up."

Oops. I kind of forgot that.

"Oops. I kind of forgot that," I say.

Madeline rolls her eyes. "You know, for one thing, you may or may not be the worst thing that's ever happened to me."

"Whatever," I say. "I'm really bored. I think I'll go end the world a few times. Bye, now!"

I saunter off.


	2. Iago

Okay.

I wish I could say it was a normal day.

Although it really isn't. And that wasn't how it started, before you ask. I'm not about to go in the direction of "it wasn't a normal day, but that was certainly how it started..."

Nope. Not into those kind of cliches.

Anyway... it happened right about when I was testing out my awesome new teleport. Did you see it? Huh? Huh? Well, it's sort of like this really ugly looking remote. Unlike those glamorous things you see on the telly. That's why I hate Hollywood or Mollywood or Bollywood or whatever the heck it's called. They make things all fluffy and pretty and happy.

Do I look like a happy person?

Yes. I am a happy person. So why is it that all their evil villains are unhappy? Is that a new cliche too?

As you might've guessed, I'm not really into cliches. In fact, I hate them. A lot.

Anyway, I was testing my remote out. Except it was messing around with me. Oh, by the way, she's also my girlfriend.

What? Don't give me that look! I can have a lesbian remote teleport if I want to!

So I kind of added this feature that makes it rain or do really cool stormy things when you teleport. Like the hospital that vanished a while ago!

Except Molly- that's my remote's name- thought it was a good day to prank me, and sent me into the ocean instead. Which also really sucked, because it took me four hours to do my hair to look like Bride of Frankenstein.

What? I was practicing for my Halloween costume!

Anyway, I had to remind Molly it wasn't April Fool's yet. Except she didn't apologize. She's so quiet, it's irksome.

I was planning on leaving, except that happened to be the same place where Luke and co were feeding the fish.

If you haven't read the original book, then too bad for you, because I'm not going to bother to explain how we know each other.

Okay, I will. Long story short, I was kind of trying to skin Luke. And take over the world.

Normal day, right?

Well, whatever. I'm about to leave, except Luke kinda stops me and asks me if I want to-

"Nikki? You wanna come join us?" he yells.

"Nope!" I say. "I like it in here!" I kick at the water, trying to pull myself out of the ocean. Molly's insistent on malfunctioning. "Besides," I add, "I don't really like feeding fish."

Too bad for me, because that's about the point where Molly decides to ship Luke and I, and she teleports me onto the docks right next to him.

Emily kind of gives me this stare, and Luke goes on like it's normal that I'm standing on the docks, with something in my hair that I don't want to think about.

Very odd family.

"Hello!" I say. "Don't worry," I add. "I'm not trying to end the world today. Considering I can only do it once. So I'm taking my time to end it in the most epic way I can."

She just glares at me.

Sarah Jane and Mark are ignoring me. Figures.

"Nice family outing," I suggest.

Luke hands me a piece of bread.

"I'm, uh, not really hungry," I say.

"It's for the fish," he tells me.

"Oh," I mumble. "I knew that. I was just... testing you."

"Okay," he says. He's so cheerful, it's actually a bit painful.

I break off a tiny bit of the bread and toss it into the ocean. Two tiny fish come up and nibble at it, and I scoff.

And this is the point where the Bird lands on my head.

Let me just point out, I am a huge Disney fan. Disney movies are awesome. One of the old Earth things I like. So when this pigeon lands on my head, I completely freeze.

"There's a bird on your head," Mark points out.

"Really?" I ask. "Cool. Where's Prince Charming?"

He blanches.

"It's a quip," I mumble.

The bird doesn't move.

"Okay," I tell myself. "Bird on my head."

I break off a tiny piece of bread and offer it to the bird.

And it eats it.

Luke is watching me, vaguely amused, a smirk playing at the edges of his lips.

"Yep," I say. "Bird on my head. That's just how awesome I am."

I reach down to grab another piece of bread, except a brown pigeon takes this opportunity to land on my arm.

Which isn't as pleasant as you'd expect. Bird talons really hurt.

"No," I say. "Go shoo."

The pigeon stares at me expectantly.

"Me no speak bird," I say. "Go away."

I've attracted a small crowd by now, which is actually a bit embarrassing, considering I'm soaking wet and covered in seaweed.

"Cool," I finally manage. "So when are we gonna start singing?"

There isn't any singing. Just really sore talons digging into my skin.

Another bird lands on my arm. One bird on my arm, I can handle. Two? No.

"You both get off," I tell them. "No comprende?"

The birds ignore me, regrettably. The two birds on my arm are trying to claw each other off, fighting over the bread in my hand. How typical!

"This is an upper-class establishment," I tell the birds. "If you wanna fight, take it outside."

"We are outside..." Mark says.

"Ooh." I say, just as Molly decides to teleport me.

With the birds still on my arms.

You know, as I'm teleporting and it's fake-raining over my head, one thought pops into my head.

Molly. What a sucky name. I need to pick girlfriends with better names, in the future.

"What-"

I glance around. Back in the apartment. Madeline is staring at me, dripping wet, covered in seaweed, two birds on my arm and a bird on my head.

"Don't even ask," I tell her with a slight groan.


	3. Nice To Meetcha 1

_**This is a flashback for when Madeline and Nikki first meet, which will be in several parts under the title of "Nice To Meetcha" for the chapter titles. I did not bother to italicize this entire flashback simply because italics make my eyes bleed.**_

_**R&R!**_

* * *

Night shift. 8:00 PM. UNIT.

That was when it started.

For Madeline, it was a pretty normal evening. Make small talk with Howard. Get a Starbucks. Sit down and read a magazine. Wait for someone to break in. Which... wasn't much of a problem.

Until someone actually did.

Whoever it was, they were very awful at keeping quiet, because there were a lot of loud crashes coming from the laboratory. If Madeline hadn't been the only one in the building, she might've mistaken it for heavy metal music or something.

"Ow!" came from the lab.

Madeline promptly burst into the room, surveying the area. Tools, glasses, and vials lay scattered across the floor. Cabinets were ajar and the sink was running.

And... in the middle of the mess was what appeared to be a 16-year old brown-haired girl fussing with an alien gadget UNIT had yet to identify.

"Freeze!" Madeline yelled. The kid looked up from whatever she was working on.

Then did something completely unexpected.

Smiled.

"Oh, hello there," she said cheerfully. "You wouldn't happen to have a band-aid, would you?"

"Why would you need a band-aid?" Madeline asked warily.

The girl held up her hand. "I sort of cut my finger on the glass." she jumped off of the table she was sitting on.

"Don't move," Madeline said. "I'm not joking. I've got a gun."

"Okay, so, shoot me then," the girl replied haughtily.

Madeline felt a tinge of fury arise in her. "Put that... thing down," she demanded, motioning towards the alien item in the girl's hand.

"I don't have any things," the girl spoke. "What are you- oh, you mean this Shantilinker," she said, holding up the alien item.

"Yeah, that thing," Madeline said.

"Wanna see what it does?" the girl asked instead,holding up the item.

"No!" Madeline yelled, just as the girl pressed a hand to the edge of the item where a small, indiscriminate button lay, and...

Opened it. Then put it on.

"They're... sunglasses," Madeline breathed, in awe, almost forgetting this was an intruder. An intruder that was probably trying to do bad, world-ending things with these sunglasses.

That sounded more weird than it was.

"Not really," the girl replied cheerfully. "They're more like 3-D glasses. Pretty common on the planet Mesharnious. You can get them at pretty much any cinema." she took the glasses off. "You want to put them on?"

"No," Madeline immediately replied. "It would be bad. Very bad. I really shouldn't put on the- oh, what the hell." she reached over, took the glasses from the girl, and put them on. "Whoa!"

The glasses didn't reflect the ordinary red and blue spectrum, no. In an instant, the room was transformed.

Little digital snowflakes seemed to drift around her, swirling gently. She extended a hand, they felt so real. She was even more surprised when it melted on her hand, although she felt nothing, numb to the sensation.

"I love holograms," the girl said. "Especially the touch sensitive ones. Those are the best."

"How does it work?" Madeline breathed.

"Well, it transmits a bunch of these little rays and stuff, that you can only see when you put the glasses on," the girl explained. "And they're touch sensitive, detected by the heat."

"It's beautiful," Madeline whispered.

"Yep," the girl said. "That's why me and those glasses have to be related somehow."

Madeline hesitantly took off the glasses. "You... who are you?"

"I'm Nikki," the girl said. "And... I know you you are. I know where you life and who you're related to. I know you, Madeline. I've been watching you."

Madeline froze, a trickle of fear running down her spine. She assessed the problem. Creepy stalker 16-year-old girl. She could take her. She had a gun. The girl- Nikki- she only had 3D glasses.

Then the girl suddenly bust out in a smile. "Sorry, just kidding. I really have no clue who you are."

"Then how do you know my name?" Madeline demanded.

Nikki pointed at her shirt. "You're wearing a name tag."

Madeline felt fury rising inside her. "Then why would you say that?!"

Nikki shrugged. "I just sort of felt like it."

"Listen, kid," Madeline said coolly. "I don't know who you are, or what you're doing here, but-"

"Isn't it obvious? What I'm doing here, I mean," Nikki scoffed. "I'm stealing alien tech. Duh."

"That's the property of UNIT!" Madeline exclaimed, as Nikki bounced back to life, running around and pocketing random items inside the lab.

"And now it's the property of Nikki," Nikki replied coolly.

"I can't let you take that," Madeline said as Nikki abruptly charged for the door, blocking the exit with her body. Nikki looked slightly annoyed. Good. That was something they had in common.

"They're 3D cinema glasses," Nikki told her, irked.

"They're also alien tech, and the official property of-"

"UNIT. Yeah, I know," Nikki replied scorchingly. "But right now, they're in my sole possession. What you gonna do about it?"

Madeline watched as Nikki reached into her pocket. Pulled out a small spay gun. Then-

"What the hell was that?" Madeline stuttered, wiping something- smelled like vinegar- off her face.

Nikki looked at the bottle. "Vinegar."

"I meant, why would you spray me with that?"

"It's either because I was testing to see if you were a Slitheen, or if vinegar would make your hair shinier, like how vinegar does with pennies. Any chance your hair is related to copper? Get it? Because you work for UNIT? And you're a cop, kinda? Copper hair? It's red? No?"

Madeline grabbed her by the shoulders. "Listen, kid, I don't know what kind of game you're playing with me, but I'm not amused by what you're doing."

"Games? Where? I like games, they're fun. Except for chess, though. It's very difficult. I don't like having to think. I mean, I like thinking, but not to win a game like chess."

Madeline let go of Nikki's shirt, then closed her eyes and rubbed her fingers against her forehead. "I don't understand why you're-"

She was cut off in midsentence when something promptly shook the entire lab.

"Whoa, what was that?" Nikki asked.

A lump rose in Madeline's throat. "I think... that was the sound of something escaping."

Nikki beamed. "Cool! Although... I'm guessing it isn't a puppy... And... it's coming towards us, isn't it?" she asked, nonchalant.

"Yeah," Madeline mumbled. "Uh... run?"

"No, let's just stand here like stones in the water," Nikki snapped. "OF COURSE WE RUN!"

They took off.


	4. Coulrophobia

"Hey, Nikki, happy birthday," Madeline said, tiptoeing into her room.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm a bit busy," she mumbled, scribbling furiously on her paper.

"Busy with what?" Madeline asked. "Whatcha working on there?"

"My penmanship," Nikki replied. "Naw, I'm working on this... thing." she held up the paper so Madeline could see it, freezing when she saw what was in Madeline's hands.

"That's a scribble monster," Madeline commented, fingering the string of the red balloon she was holding.

"Ballon," Nikki whispered, in horror. "How dare you bring a balloon in here."

Madeline folded her arms. "Okay, now I know something's wrong, because you didn't say that that scribble monster has a facial resemblance similar to mine."

"Yes, something's wrong, and that's your balloon," Nikki said, jabbing a finger at the balloon.

"It's for you, for your birthday!" Madeline cried.

"Well, I'm not taking it," Nikki replied. "Plus, it's not even my birthday. My birthday is next year, on this exact date."

Madeline smacked her palm against her forehead. "You have more than one birthday."

"That's silly, I can't be born several times," Nikki mumbled.

"Whatever. Here, I'll just leave this balloon here," Madeline said, tying it to the door handle.

"NO!" Nikki shrieked, jumping out of her chair. "Get it out!"

"You put it out, then," Madeline responded, slightly annoyed at the rejection of her gift.

"No! I'm too scared!" Nikki exclaimed, causing Madeline to burst into a fit of laughter. "What? Why are you laughing?"

Madeline chuckled. "No, it's just that you're a kid who constantly attempts to end the world, constantly intimidating other species... and you're terrified of red balloons."

Nikki frowned. "Balloons are scary!"

"No, they're not," Madeline reassured her. "They really aren't."

"They're really not good!" Nikki said. "They kidnap kids that touch them!"

Madeline blinked.

"Plus, they're associated with clowns," Nikki told her. "And nobody likes clowns." she made a face. "Evil clowns of deathly death."

Madeline snorted. "Right, because a guy in facepaint is veeeery intimidating."

Nikki jabbed an accusing finger at her. "Hey, you try almost getting kidnapped by a red balloon! It's traumatising!"

Madeline nodded. Slowly. "Nikki, I think you've got coulrophobia."

"I don't have coulrophobia, I just happen to not like clowns. Very much," she said. "I don't have anythingphobia. I have nothingphobia. Wait, isn't that a phobia of nothing? Uh... I have nonphobia, thank you very much."

Madeline shook her head. "Whatever."

"Iago, go pop that balloon," Nikki ordered.

Madeline let out a shriek as a pigeon hopped into view. "What the hell is a pigeon doing in my apartment! It shouldn't be in here!"

Nikki looked at the bird, and shrugged. "That's what I told it. But it was very insistent on sticking with me."

"You said you let it go," Madeline accused her.

"Yeah, well, I did, but it just likes me," Nikki said. "A lot."

"Nikki, you are not keeping a pigeon in my apartment," Madeline told her.

"Watch me," she replied, with a grin.

"Fine, okay, yeah, but I am not feeding it, you are cleaning up after it... and you have to keep my balloon," Madeline told her.

Nikki beamed. "Okay!"

Madeline came back a couple hours later to find a popped red balloon still tied to the door. Nikki didn't look up from her desk.

"I kept it," she said, distracted. "You just never said it had to be inflated fully."


	5. You've Been Nikki'd

"No way, you are not having any caffeine, missy. Go stand outside, because I know you will steal a coffee."

"Honestly, you're no fun. You're like... a parent. And nobody likes parents. Except for boring people. And... I guess a lot of people are boring, because a lot of people like parents... oh, you get the point!"

"Yes, I do."

"You know, you should honestly thank me for getting you out of that old apartment. You've been way too wrapped up in that alien-kidnapper guy case."

"So go sit outside."

"Fine, fine," I grumble, pushing the glass doors open and seating myself on a brick wall outside.

It's a nice day. All the birds are chirping. I watch them fly, wondering which type of gun would be best to shoot them with.

Naw, just kidding. I really respect birds, now. They can't help being so stupid.

I check my watch. Okay, it's right about time.

I shift on the brick wall, taking out a ballpoint pen and scribbling a message on the applr.

I pocket the pen.

I glance over the wall. Humpty Dumpty. Wait... that sounds a bit wrong. Oh, who cares?

I jump off the wall, then bounce over to one of the tables in the eating area, bouncing a green apple in my hand.

A really good-looking guy comes up to me.

"Hey, I'm Bruce Howard." he flashes me a grin.

"Hi, I don't care!" I respond, cheerful. He looks slightly offended, but that doesn't stop his muse.

"I work for Janet DeJaurce, the movie director, and we were looking for people to cast as background characters for a movie, and you've got the look," the man- Bruce- tells me.

My eyes widen. This is too good to be true. "Seriously? Wow, that's so cool! Take me to your leader!"

I look behind me. "You know, I should probably tell my... mom."

"Nah, just come over to my van, you can use my phone," he says, smiling.

I beam back. "Okay!"

I casually toss the green apple behind me and follow Bruce Wayne- I mean, Bruce.

"So," I tell Bruce as we walk, pinning the ballpoint pen to my shirt, "what movie is this?"

"Invasion of the Worlds," he replies, a bit too quickly.

I nod. "Ah. Sounds cool. Like a sci-fi movie. Ooh, I like sci-fi! It's fun. I like fun things. People like fun things, actually. And sci-fi is fun, so naturally people would like fun things. Things are fun, you know. Except getting kidnapped, which is not fun. Which is why I'm not exactly having a field day."

Bruce grabs my arm. "Yeah, kid, you're coming with me."

"Okay!" I say. "Well... actually, sorry, I'm not. 'Cos I'm really not just an ordinary kid, I'm actually pretty smart. Well, smarter than you are, and that's saying something. Actually, it's not really saying much... I think a lot of people can relate to that fact."

Bruce hisses.

I raise an eyebrow. "Hiss... I do not... hiss... speak... hisssss... Parceltongue... hiss."

He's dragging me, a bit more frantic now.

Madeline walks out of the shop. She looks around. She spots me.

I point at the apple.

She frowns.

I point at the apple.

She leans over and picks it up.

Then she smiles.

People are giving her weird looks. Well, figures. She's smiling at her apple.

"Sorry," I say, when we approach Bruce's van. "I get carsickness."

Then I sock him in the jaw.

Let's be fair. Honestly, I'm not that tough. And... my fist hurts from punching him. A lot. What is he made of, then? Stone?

Another guy comes out of the van. This is about the moment where I run epicly, and get caught up in a really cool chase scene.

Except I don't, because this is the moment UNIT vans approach us, telling the guy- Bruce- to freeze.

They throw their arms up in the air.

Madeline approaches me and drags me away, but still in range to hear what Bruce is saying to UNIT.

"You knew they were gonna be here, didn't you?" she asks me, holding up the apple. I beam.

"Yep!"

"So you planned this all along," she concludes. "You knew I've been straining on this case for ages, so you figured out where he was gonna be and helped me out."

"Yep!"

"Can you stop saying 'yep'?"

"Yep!"

"Are you going to stop?"

"Nope!"

Madeline rolls her eyes. Hands me the apple.

I wave at Bruce. "Hey, Bruce, how do you like them apples?"

He catches it. Pales at the message.

'You've been Nikki'd'


	6. Nice to Meetcha 2

Nikki glanced around. "Oh, that does not sound good."

"No ship, Sherlock," Madeline grumbled. "What are we gonna do?"

"You watch me," Nikki said, jumping up on one of the lab tables and pulling something out of her pocket. She pressed a button and fingered something on the ceiling, popping a grate off.

"Is that how you got in here?" Madeline asked.

"No," Nikki said, sarcastically. "I rode on a unicorn."

"Oh," Madeline said.

"No, I mean it," Nikki replied. "I captured a white unicorn with pink cotton-candy hair and rode on it, where it flew into the lab. Except it broke down the wall, and I had to ask my Happy Tree Friends to help fix it with a Happy Working Song, and-"

"Tall tales aside, I get it. Now, the problem is, how am I supposed to fit in there?" Madeline asked. "Unless..." her voice trailed off. "You're gonna leave me here..."

"Naw," Nikki said. "I like you! Even if you're a bit brass and annoying at times..."

"I am... not annoying!" Madeline said. "Not that much, anyway..."

"Can you... put on a compression field, or something?" Nikki asked, exasperated. "Or shrink yourself with a shrink ray?"

"I haven't got a compression field or a shrink ray!" Madeline said.

"Then make one," Nikki told her.

The thudding got louder.

"Fine, fine, you go in first," Nikki said. "I'll come in after you."

Madeline jumped up on the table and pulled herself into the air vent.

"I can't breathe in here! What kind of air vent is this?!" she cried.

"A very bad one," Nikki noted. "You should get a refund."

The thudding got even louder, if that was humanly possible.

"Okay, hurry it up," Nikki told Madeline.

Madeline focused all her strength into pushing herself down the air vent.

"After this, I'm... gonna work out an' lose some weight," Madeline grunted.

"Everyone says that, but they never do," Nikki said, shrugging.

"By the way... what is up with the red coat?" Madeline asked.

"I like red coats! You got a problem with that?!" Nikki shot back. "A lot of people have problems with redcoats, I mean, but I can like red coats if I want!"

"Sure," Madeline said, as Nikki squeezed in after her.

"Okay, try to get outside," Nikki instructed her, sealing the grate up with that pen-like device.

"What the heck is that?" Madeline asked, the reflection showed in the metal of the tunnel ahead.

"A magic wand I acquired from my time in Hogwarts, like a regular Mary Sue," Nikki teased. "Now, move it!"

They kept moving like that for five minutes, before they finally reached the end of the vent.

"Here," Nikki said, pushing the device to Madeline. "It's on the right setting. Just press that little button on the top, and point it at the rivets."

Madeline did as instructed.

"Now, push on the grate," Nikki said.

"I'm not stupid!" Madeline exclaimed, punching at the grate. It popped open, and she slowly crawled out.

"Ahh, I can breathe!" Nikki beamed. "That's nice! I like breathing. Breathing is good. Although, some people are only good if they aren't breathing. Those people are not good. In fact, I might even go as far as to say that those people are bad."

Madeline groaned. "Did we lose it?"

Nikki smiled. "Nope! I lured it here!"

Madeline froze. "Seriously?!"

"Yep!"

"Why would you do that?!" Madeline moaned.

"Well, think of it this way, there's an alien on the loose," Nikki told her, pacing. "And I don't think humans are ready for aliens, not yet, anyway. So I'm not about to leave this problem to the red-hats."

"What's wrong with having red hats?!" Madeline cried.

"Everything," Nikki said. "Now, I've lured it here, and we can hopefully catch it."

Madeline honestly didn't know what to think.

"You... you're trying to trap this giant alien," she finally said.

"Yep!" Nikki said.

"And you're sixteen," she said. "You're a sixteen year old kid that sneaks into UNIT and steals alien tech, and is also exuberantly annoying."

"Yep! Except... I dunno about that annoying bit," Nikki told her, beaming.

"Okay," Madeline breathed shakily. "So... what are we gonna do about the evil alien of deathly death headed our way?"

Nikki perked up. "Evil alien of deathly death... I like you, Madeline!" she said, grinning. "Now, I've set up some immobilizing traps. Hopefully, we can get it back to whichever planet it came from- sounds like Metorphorous."

"You can tell what planet it's from by the sound?"

"No," Nikki admitted. "By the smell. But I said sound, because it sounds less creepy."

"Okay," Madeline said. "Shouldn't we be thinking of a plan?"

Nikki shrugged. "It's more fun when you have no clue what you're doing." she beamed. "Ready, Madeline?"

"No!"


	7. Rain

"Whatcha workin' on there, Nikki?"

"Nothing. As usual. Nothing ever happens here."

"You should go outside," Madeline suggested. "It's always so nice."

"It's raining."

"Yes, and you should go out and sing in it," Madeline told her. Nikki groaned. "Look, all I'm saying is, you need friends!"

"I do have friends! Luke, and Clyde, and Maria, and Emily, and Mark!" Nikki said.

"I mean other than your frenemies. And don't even say they aren't your frenemies, because you're always calling them that," Madeline said.

"They can be my friends at times and frenemies at other times!" Nikki told her.

"Yeah, just like a coat can be a coat at times and an orange at other times," Madeline deadpanned.

"Or it could be an orange coat," Nikki noted.

"I just think you need some friends," Madeline said. "That's all."

"I've got you!" Nikki told her.

"I'm flattered, but I prefer to think of myself as a parental figure," Madeline told her.

"You're fourteen years older than me," Nikki said. "And, technically, I'm older than you."

"I'm 28!" Madeline said, throwing her arms up in the air. "How many times do I have to explain this to you?!"

"Until I get it," Nikki told her. "And I'm still older," she added.

"You are not," Madeline said.

"Am too."

"I am not playing that game with you, because we both know I always lose," Madeline grumbled. "Look, go out, get a coat, do shopping, I honestly don't care. Just get out of this place, before we both go insane."

"Every time I go outside, I meet aliens and try to end the world," Nikki said. "Are you honestly trying to encourage that?"

"It's better than you sitting here watching anime and playing Modern Warfare all day," Madeline said, "and endlessly scheming."

Nikki considered this for a moment, tapping the black pen she had in her hand against her chin. "All right, fair enough. But I have no regrets. Well, actually, I do. Like that time I sat on my birthday cake on accident. Boy, is that something I regret. Ooh, yeah, and buying that expensive hat. I don't know what I was thinking. Isn't that called buyers guilt? Spenders guilt? I know it's not survivor's guilt, because-"

Madeline pushed Nikki out of the apartment and slammed the door shut.

* * *

"And that was how I ended up outside the apartment in the rain," I say to my new... er, friend. Well, boyfriend.

What can I say? Relationships progress quickly around here.

"You look very nice," I say. Is that flirting? If it is, I'm terrible at it. Figures!

My boyfriend just stares at me.

"So what's your name?" I ask, changing the subject.

Nothing. Well, figures.

I pick up the black pen I stuck behind my ear earlier and draw on a mouth. Then I smile at my paper doll.

"See, you're smiling!" I say. "It's good to have optimistic friends, for a change."

I look 'round. It's still pouring.

"We better not leave this cafe, otherwise you will probably die," I say, poking him. He doesn't respond. I think he might be shy. I don't really know. I only just met him.

"I don't know what your name is, so I think I'll guess," I finally say. "George. No, that sounds dumb. Uh... Markus? That's someone else's name, I think. Mary Poppins? That's a girl's name... oh, whatever. Mary Poppins it is."

I smile at the doll. "See? I'm good at this!"

A guy takes a seat at the booth I'm sitting in.

"Oh, hello!" I say, studying this stranger. He's dressed all in black with a brown baseball cap on his head. Black raincoat that's sprinkled with drops of rain. He's been outside. Something we already do not have in common.

"Are you here alone?" the guy asks.

"Nope!" I say. "I'm here with my boyfriend, Mary Poppins."

He raises an eyebrow. I hold up the doll and point.

"Ah," the guy says. "I see."

"No, you don't," I reprimand him. "You smell. Well, I think everybody smells. But, let's face it. If you say 'I can see you' instead of 'I can smell you', it makes it sound less... creepy. I mean, come on. Tracking by scent makes me feel like a dog, and also it's like saying the other person stinks. Which... most of the time, they do, but you don't wanna say anything, you know?"

The guy stares at me.

I point at his wrist. "You're, uh... wearing one of those alien tech thingies. And also, you smell. Not badly, I mean. You smell sort of like cherries. Which... I like cherries. But your cherries smell like alcohol cherries. Not that I have anything against alcohol."

The guy just stares. I poke him in the forehead.

"Yeah, definitely perception filter," I declare. "Wait, no, hang on... no, sorry, that's real alcohol. So you've been drinking? What does it taste like?"

He leans over the table and grabs me by the shoulders. "Nikki?!"

"Yeah, that's my name!" I beam. "Are you telepathic, or something?"

He stares at me. "Nikki, is this a joke?"

"Joke? I like jokes! Actually, I love 'em. A lot. Loving things is nice. I'm lovin' it! Wait... that's McDonalds. But... joking! Jokers. The Joker from Batman is creepy, though. He looks like a clown. I hate clowns, by the way. Clowns suck. A lot. And-"

He shakes me. "Nikki, it's me!"

"I don't think we've met," I say, shaking my head.

He stares at me for a long time. "You... don't remember me?"

"Don't know you," I say. "Like I said, we haven't met."

Okay, so this guy is insane. Weird, insane alien guy with alien tech. Who is also insane. And probably drunk.

Did I mention insane?

He grabs me. "Nikki, it's me. Max. Your brother."


	8. More Rain

"Max? Hey, that rhymes with fax. Did you know that faxing is actually considered- Wait, hold the phone. Ha! That actually worked! You know? Faxes... phone... Wait... Max... rewind... Hold the phone again!"

Did he say brother?

"Did you say brother?!" I ask.

"Nikki, it's me!" he says, desperate. "Don't you remember me?!"

"Jor?" I ask, squinting.

"No, Max!" he says. He sounds genuinely worried now, staring at me, eyes flicking back and forth, studying my expression.

Okay, so I know something's wrong, because it's been a while since I analyzed something that closely.

"Don't you remember?" he asks. "Jor. Step-brother. You were adopted. He's pure Slitheen."

"That... is creepy," I finally manage. "How did you know that?"

"It's like I said," he tells me. "I'm your brother."

"Prove it," I say, squinting and crossing my arms.

"You hate onions, and Qs, because you think they're just Os with fancy tails, and you sat on your birthday cake once," he says.

"Ah," I say. "That is also a bit creepy."

Whoever he is, this guy obviously knows me. Which is more unnerving than you'd think, not knowing someone who already knows you. And is desperately wanting you to notice them.

Poor celebrities. I bet they feel like this all the time.

"Okay," I manage. "You're my brother. Where did we meet?"

"This place called... Torchwood," he says after a long pause in between 'called' and the location.

"Oh, okay," I mumble. "Lemme guess, you're a time traveler of sorts."

I suddenly look up. "Oh, my god. Are we related?"

He pauses, then answers. "Not directly, no."

I breathe out a sigh of relief. "Oh, that's great to hear. For a second, I thought you were gonna tell me I was a Time Lady or something, and that I'm actually married to the Doctor, and Rose is my sister."

He blinks. "Yeah, it's you. I think we meet... five years from now?"

I nod. "That's nice. You know, I think I should get going soon, I-"

I look outside. It is still raining. I stare at the downpour, thinking. The more I stare at that heavy rain, the more I don't want to get wet. Really. I really, really, don't want to get wet. And I can't teleport, because it's already raining naturally.

Ooh, is Molly gonna be jealous when she finds out I've got a boyfriend?

For a second, I almost want to get out of the cafe. But the rain seems menacing, so I just shake my head.

"Were you saying something?" Max asks.

"Naw," I lie. "I think I can stay a while longer."

* * *

We talk for two hours. You wouldn't believe how incredibly fun it is talking with him. Honestly. He makes even the smallest thing fascinating.

Yeah, it's not hard to tell we are obviously closely related.

Around two hours later, he glances at his watch, then back up at me apologetically.

"Sorry, I gotta go," he says.

"Oh, that's okay," I tell him. "You go."

He pushes out of the booth. "You gonna stay here?"

"Yeah," I mumble. "I'm just waiting out the rain."

He points out the window. "You can go. It's stopped raining."

I glance outside.

Oh, it has.

"I guess I can go, then," I say, smiling. He nods, then walks right out of the cafe. I don't watch where he goes, I am too excited to get back to Madeline's house and tell her about Max to pay any attention.

I punch in the coordinates and appear back in Madeline's apartment.

"I'm hoooooome!" I singsong.

There is no response.

"Madeline?" I ask, peeking around the room.

Nothing.

"She probably fell asleep," I mumble to myself. "Figures. Old people."

I go to the fridge and get a bowl of tomatoes. Don't give me that look- I love tomatoes! Tomatoes are great! They're like oranges, only they're red! And they taste better. And have seeds in them. Although-

Oh, you get the point.

I plop down on the couch in front of the TV next to Mary Poppins and the bowl of tomatoes.

Nothing on TV seems very appealing. I'm too excited to care.

An hour passes me by. Funny, it feels like no time. Guess they lied. Guess time flies by when you're bored out of your mind as well.

"Madeline!" I call. There is still no answer.

I walk to her room and open the door.

She's not there.

I panic, and search the entire apartment. She's gone. There aren't any notes telling me to try and not end the world while she goes out.

I tell myself she probably just went to get a snack, figured she'd get back before me.

I relax, then happen to look outside.

It's raining again.


	9. Tutor 1

"All right," Madeline said, blocking the doorway. "Who did you kill?"

"I didn't kill anybody!" Nikki exclaimed. "What brought this up?"

Madeline pointed. "You're wearing a backpack out. You've been wearing it out for the past week. And you bought a kendama last night."

"I wanted a kendama!" Nikki said. "And I just had to get it last night!"

Madeline raised an eyebrow. "You didn't even open the box."

"I'm keeping it nice," Nikki told her.

"Okay, so, who's your boyfriend?" Madeline asked.

"I'm not sneaking out to do bad things!" Nikki cried. "I'm doing good things!"

"Good things can translate to bad things in the Nikki dictionary," Madeline pointed out.

"Fine... I'm going to school," Nikki said.

"...What?" Madeline finally asked.

"You heard me," Nikki told her. "I'm going to school."

"But- why didn't you tell me?!" Madeline asked. "Aren't you too smart for school or something?"

Nikki fidgeted. "I wanted to feel like a normal person. Who goes to school and plays video games and complains about homework."

Madeline sighed. "You are normal. You're... Nikki normal."

"Wow, thanks," Nikki grumbled.

"I'm just saying- wait, how are you paying your tuition?!" Madeline suddenly realised.

"What tuition?"

"How are you paying to go to school?" Madeline asked.

"What do you mean?" Nikki asked as innocently as she could.

Madeline ran to the kitchen and checked her purse. Then screamed.

"Nikki! Where did you put my credit card?! What have you done with it?!"

"Tuition!" Nikki said cheerfully.

The sound of Madeline banging her head against the cabinet, then silence. Then,

"NIKKI! YOU ARE SO DEAD!"

"Sorry! Can't wait! Gotta go to school!" Nikki said, grabbing her kendama and running out.

* * *

"What do you think she's doing here?" Emily asked Luke.

"No clue," Luke said, shrugging. Both siblings were watching Nikki skip about the hall with a kendama in her hand and a giant red backpack slung over her shoulder.

"You go ask her," Emily said, nudging Luke.

"I'm not gonna ask her!" Luke said. "She'll think I'm spying on her!"

"Hmm," Emily said. "Do you think she's spying on us?"

"I'll go ask," Maria said, sighing, walking up to Nikki. Emily and Luke watched the two of them talk for a minute.

Nikki smiled. Maria nodded. Then they both parted and Maria returned to Luke and Emily.

"So?" Emily asked. "What did you say?"

"I invited her to sit with us at lunch," Maria said.

"Wh- why would you do that?!" Clyde asked.

Maria shrugged. "She's still sort of our friend, even if she does try to kill us sometimes."

"Ohh," Emily moaned. "Okay. Can I get the flu before lunch? Please?"

* * *

"Hey, guys!" Nikki said, bouncing towards the lunch table. Emily hid her face in a book.

"Hi, Nikki," Clyde, Emily, and Luke chorused.

"I got a kendama!" Nikki said, holding up the little Japanese toy.

"Why?" Luke wondered.

"Well, everyone has one, and I thought there has to be something about it that everyone likes, so I bought it!" Nikki said, beaming. "Problem is... I can't find the on switch."

Clyde facepalmed. "Where have you been living?! Mars?!"

"Nope! In an apartment!" Nikki replied. "So... how do you turn it on?"

Clyde took the box from her and opened it. "There is no on switch. It's a wooden toy."

"But- there's supposed to be an on switch! Everyone likes video games and electronics these days!" Nikki said.

"No," Clyde said. "You try to get the little red ball at the end to fit in one of the cups. See?" he flicked the kendama and caught the little red ball on the end cup. "That's called Lighthouse," he said.

Nikki took the toy from him. "Okay, so how do I do it?"

"Just flick it," Clyde told her.

Nikki flicked it. Completely missing.

"I can't do it!" she said.

"Try again," Luke urged.

Nikki tried again. And failed.

"I give up," she said stubbornly. "It's too difficult."

"Just keep trying," Luke urged.

Suddenly, Nikki looked at her watch. "Oh, sorry, I have to go. I'm late."

"Late for what?!" Emily cried. "It's lunch break!"

"Oh, hi, Emily!" Nikki said, beaming. "I didn't see you behind that book!"

"What are you late for?" Maria asked.

"Stuff," Nikki said. "Like... stepping on cats tails. And participating in a hot dog eating contest. Bye, now!"

She pressed a button on the remote strapped to her arm and vanished.

* * *

Nikki looked up down the hallway, raising an eyebrow.

"You shouldn't be here," she stated. "This is a nice little school for stupid children. What would you want here, anyway?"

The alien she was chasing growled back.

"You don't scare me," she said, shrugging.

The alien looked at her. Then lifted up its arms, revealing large claws. Nikki's smirk vanished.

"On second thought... I take that back," she said, turning and fleeing.


End file.
